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SKIING HUMOR
 
by
Bill Jones, Ski Instructor
Certified Professional Ski Instructor
(Registration #110478), Level III
How
To Reserve Private Ski Lessons with Bill Jones
Did the artist mean to spell Puck?
Skiing Heritage
March-April 2011
 Skiing Heritage, July-August 2011
Jokes for the would-be ski instructor:
"How do you tell a ski instructor from a pizza?"
A pizza can feed a family of four!
What do ski instructors do after the ski hill
closes?
Go to work!
How can you make a small fortune teaching
skiing?
Start with a big one!
What's the difference between a ski instructor
and a mutual fund?
Eventually the fund will mature and make a little
money!
Jokes for skiers not to share with snowboarders:
Three snowboarders are riding in the backseat of
a car. Who is driving?
The sheriff!
What do you call a snowboarder who has broken up
with his girlfriend?
Homeless!
How do you tell a snowboarder from a vacuum
cleaner?
It's how the dirt bag is attached!
How does a snowboarder introduce himself?
"Sorry, dude."
What's the difference between a snowboard
beginner and a snowboard instructor?
About a week!
What do ski instructors and snowboard
instructors have in common?
They both can't snowboard!
What is the last thing a snowboarder ever says?
"Dude, watch this!"
What do snowboarders use for birth control?.
Their personalities!
What's the hardest
thing about being a snowboard instructor?
Nothing!
What do you say to a snowboard instructor in
summer?
A Big Mac and fries please!
How can you tell
if the lift is balanced?
The snowboarders drool out of both sides of their mouths!
This skier walks into a bar at the ski area and
says "Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboarder joke?"
The bartender says, "Well, I'm a snowboarder, the guy on your
left is a snowboarder, same with the guy on your right, and a
couple of folks behind you as well!".
So the skier says "Ok, I'll tell it a little more slowly then".
A guy finds out he needs a brain
transplant. The doctor proceeds to show him various brains. One
brain, which belonged to a skier, cost $500, the other, which
belonged to a boarder, cost $5000. Perplexed, the guy asks the
doctor about the price difference. The doctor replies "Well, the boarder's brain has never been used!"
Jokes for snowboarders not to share with
skiers:
A Cadillac with five skiers runs off a cliff,
and everybody dies. What's the worst thing?
Cadillac seats six!
Why are most snowboard jokes one liners?
So the skiers can understand them!
How do you get the ski instructor off of your
front porch?
Pay for the pizza!
"Mommy, mommy, I want to be a ski instructor when I grow up!
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
What do you say to a ski instructor in a three piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise...."!
Two guys were walking down the street.
One was destitute and the other was also a ski instructor.
What do you call a successful ski instructor?
A guy whose girlfriend has two jobs.
There's this lady skier on a green trail. She
has just come to where her trail crosses a
mogul slope. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts to a snowboarder on the
other side, "I can't ski moguls; how can I get to the other
side?" The snowboarder looks up the slope and then down the
slope and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
Jokes for ski instructors:
At a party, how do you tell who the ski
instructor is?
Don't worry. He will tell you.
On a date, what does a ski instructor say after
the first hour?
"That's enough talk about me; now let's talk about skiing."
How many ski instructors does it take to change
a light bulb?
A dozen. One to unscrew the bulb and the rest to analyze the
turns.
How many ski instructors does it take to change
a light bulb?
2, one to change the bulb and one to say "Nice turn, nice
turn!"
How many Ski Examiners does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
That is not figured out yet. They are all still analyzing the
turns!
How do ski instructors change light bulbs?
They hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.
The skier, saying he was a telemarker, got this
back, "I used to do that, but I got so sick of making all those
phone calls."
The ski instructor was at the gym working the
exercise machines to get his body ready for the coming season
when he noticed some classy chicks, clad in captivating gym
clothes. He wanted to impress them with his prowess, so asked
the gym's personal trainer which of the machines he should use
to best do that. The trainer looked over the ski instructor, not
yet fit from his summer off, and said "Use the machine down in
the lobby: it's an ATM."
Ski Instructors and God and heaven
A ski instructor died and went to heaven. He saw
St. Peter at the Pearly Gate but there was a line waiting to get
in, so our ski instructor went up to the head of the line and
told St. Peter that he was a ski instructor and he should
therefore be allowed to go in without waiting.
St. Peter said,
"Even though you are a ski instructor, you must go to the end of
the line and wait your turn like all the rest."
Not wanting to
jeopardize his chances, our ski instructor went to the end of
the line as told,
grumbling to himself. Presently our ski instructor saw another
ski instructor go up to St. Peter at the head of the line. St.
Peter looked up and waved that person on in. So our ski
instructor went back up to the head of the line and said to St.
Peter, "Why did you let that ski instructor go to the head of
the line and not me?"
St. Peter explained, "That was not a ski
instructor: That was God. He just thinks he is a ski
instructor."
Or
What is the difference between God and a ski
instructor?
God does not think he is a ski instructor!
Or
A skier just arriving at the Pearly Gate in
Heaven sees Stein Eriksen carving a set of beautiful arcs on the
side of a cloud.
"Wow!" says the admiring newbie to St. Peter, "I didn't know
Stein was here."
"Oh, that's not Stein," says St. Peter, "That's God. He just
wants to be like Stein."
A ski instructor appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates. "Have you ever done anything
of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the instructor
offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills
out in South Dakota I came upon a gang
of bikers who were threatening a young
woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached
the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him in his face...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back
off!' Or I'll
kick the s___ out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago…....."
A Skier's Dictionary
Alp: One of a number
of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for
assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An
appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
All-Mountain: A common descriptive term for
boots or skis that are designed to perform equally poorly under
a variety of conditions and over many different types of
terrain.
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face
that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport.
See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift
Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers
from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis
from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where
they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing
the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for
dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been
broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian
all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It
doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no
crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country
Something-Or-Other.|
Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding
through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes,
hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into
the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure
you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot
with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside
of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles
in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the
ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each
hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the
wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to
allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from
the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature
that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which
makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way
on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in
expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to
resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of
Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other
physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling
side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter
one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be
created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket,
don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an
irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical
lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a
controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a
controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they
wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that
runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends
to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose
ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be
familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill
is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the
opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking
slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of
goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white
and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all
directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be
mumbling, "Why?"
Telemark: Norwegian for "Hey guys! Wait up!"
Or, Norwegian for "Face plant!"
Telemarking: Half the binding, half the speed! Or,
"Free you heel, ski for real!"
Thor: The Scandinavian ski god of acheth and
painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an
angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
 This
new invention should end the debate about whether the snowboard or the
ski is the best tool for snow sliding!
 
Jokes for kids
Kid 1) "Knock, knock."
Kid 2) "Who's there?"
Kid 1) "Boo."
Kid 2) "Boo who?
Kid 1) "I'm sorry I made you cry!"
Kid 1) "Knock, knock."
Kid 2) "Who's there?"
Kid 1) "Who."
Kid 2) "Who who?
Kid 1) "You sound like an owl."
How do you make a skeleton laugh?
You tickle its funny bone!
Why did the witch ride her broomstick?
So she could sweep the sky!
Why do witches ride broomsticks?
Vaccum cleaners are too heavy.
Why was the mummy so tired?
It was all wound up!
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
Take it to a pumpkin patch!
Where does a wolf go when it loses its tail?
To a re-tail store!
What's a hot dog with no inside?
A hallo-weenie!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A frostbite!
Why do skeletons frighten easily?
Because they have no guts!
What happens when monsters hold a beauty pageant?
Nobody wins!
How many vampires can you put in an empty coffin?
One--because then it's not empty! or
None--because it wouldn't be empty.
How do you greet a 3-headed snowman?
"Hello!", "Hello!", "Hello!"
A plane crashes on the U.S./Canada border in winter and the snow
is deep. Where do you bury the
survivors?
You don't bury survivors!
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!
What happened when the skunk wrote a book?
It became a best smeller!
What do you get when you cross a hummingbird with a cow?
A humburger!
What part of the tree scared the cat?
Its bark!
What kind of van does Minnie Mouse drive?
A mini-van.
What was the witch good at in school?
Spell-ing!
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat what bugs them!
Where do little cows eat?
In the calf-teria!
What do you call a sick dog?
A germy-shepherd!
How many months have 28 days?
They all do!
What
do you call an old snowman?
Water!
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